You’re saying to the cabbie: Stop sini, Pak. Berapa, Pak? Terima Kasih Pak.
You’re thinking to yourself: Thank fuck we made it back to base. Where the hell are my keys? Is that the mosque calling? Shit. Was I out THAT late?
Now here is the part where you choose your own adventure:
You have arrived at home/some random hook up’s joint: Whether you have a lady on your arm, a bloke dragging you up to his crib, retiring bored and lonely failing the game, mates crashing on your couch, or (in the most likely case) home late craving something big bad and hot to shove in your mouth because you couldn’t find it at Dragonfly/Immigrant/Stadium/Blok M/other seedy club (mind you, all clubs in Jakarta are seedy) – you have the DRUNKIE MUNCHIES!
Inebriated and hungry, your tastebuds have become an untapped erogenous zone. No other realm burns hotter with desire for a big fat dump of lard. The thought of a burger and fries gets you more wet than your beer drenched shirt. Imagining a soft serve melting on your tongue gives you a bigger hard-on than the bird you brought home from CJ’s, and the idea of a crispy fried chicken drumstick does more for your imagination than the pins on the other one. Before things get hot, heavy, balls-deep, kinky and stinky, you want food. And you want it instantly. I know you. You’re an expat, you will accept nothing less than chemically-infused tasty, junky, multinational corporate fodder in your belly.
Princess Jakarta is kind when it comes to satisfying your alcohol-induced food cravings. In fact, she’s your personal fast-food-slave. How the fuck does one acquire hot fast-food to one’s door at 4 am in the morning? The answer: In Jakarta, fast-food is delivered personally to you by scooter, anytime, anyplace, anywhere. And I mean the big multinational corporate chains of mass consumption that back home in Australia and elsewhere normally make you step up to the counter or drive through in your car to get a bag of food.
In Jakarta, all you have to do is dial, order and wait. Then a friendly little man with a McDonalds on two wheels comes to your door and brings you to greasy and cheesy ecstasy.
Back home on Oz, rarely do big brands offer this luxurious, indulgent, obesity-feeding service. In Jakarta, we have become kings of convenience.
The refined palate of a boozed-up expat is well catered for in a city whose population thrives on classic fast food and eagerly devours new junk food concepts. Popular choices for scooter-delivery are McDonalds, Domino’s Pizza, PHD (indeed, you do receive a Doctor of Philosophy with every order over IDR 50,000), Burger King and a whole lot more to sufficiently stuff your arteries. Get ready to waste away those hard earned salaries on regular junk-food binges and remedial gym subscriptions.
The combination of a cashed-up expat and an accommodating city with more fast food delivery options than you could imagine is a match made in heaven. The population has developed a rampant addiction to chemical additives, sugar, and un-environmentally-friendly packaged food. People are busy, workers are glued to their desks, children are demanding, traffic is crippling. And the icing on this mass cake of “want and need”, is the pool of party animals who stagger out of the dens of sex, sin, and Sambuca in the wee morning hours craving a bite of good old western fast-food. Bringing it to your door, Princess Jakarta is your very own personal lard-wagon faster than a speeding bullet.
We don’t have this luxurious, indulgent service in Australia. But we do have it in Jakarta. And as healthy, self-respectful and ethical as we all think we are – we LOVE taking advantage of these restaurants on wheels. I was astonished when I discovered this service and now have the gut to show for it. Fast-food scooter delivery puts the glutton back into sloth. Thanks to Lord Thunder-thighs, one can now go out, get wasted, get lost, come home at some ungodly hour, and have a decent serves of fries and a Big Mac in between missionary and wheelbarrow, with a hot fudge ice cream sundae for dessert.
And CHEERS to the drunk goof who gets stuck with placing the order!
princess Jakarta 